What Finally Happened to Theo and the Rest of the Gang By Walter E. Doherty

Once upon a midnight dreary
While I pondered weak and weary
over some volume of forgotten mystery lore,
puzzling out the hidden culprit:
was it the preacher in his pulpit?
or that stupid client who’s a bore?

Was it Wolfe or was it Archie?
Was it Fritz with something starchy?
Who was it threw out of the window poor Theodore?
All his moaning got to all of ’em;
None could stand his raspy callin’ them,
So they *all* out of the window made him soar.

Purley always wanted to hook ’em;
He and Cramer went to book’ em,
But Cramer looked and never saw a crime.
*He* knew Theo could try one’s patience;
he knew Theo’s grating cadence;
He said to Wolfe, “You know, it’s about time.”

“But still you know I must arrest you.
I know I thought I’d never best you,
so if you could just up and disappear out of the door….
It would be sad to have to lose you,
to not have to our contests move you,
but still, I’d have to say I’d miss you — nevermore.”

Once upon a midnight dreary
While I pondered weak and weary
over some volume of forgotten mystery lore,
Wolfe and Archie, driven to distraction,
ceased to be our men of action,
and disappeared in mists of time forever more.